What a Drag It Is Getting Old

Sometimes I feel old. Sometimes I feel like I'm 28. I don't really know why 28 is the age I project but I do. But the fact of the matter is, I'm 43 now. I have all the aches and pains associated with being that age.

On the day I turned 40 (and I'm not exaggerating here) I could no longer read the birthdate on a driver's license while wearing contacts. Bad news if you're in the bar business. I was relegated to using reading glasses. I didn't like it much. Made me feel old.

My hair gets more and more gray and it seems I never notice it until I get a haircut. What was once a dark brown changed to half brown/half gray, and I fear is now well past 50-50 and working its way toward the silver that was my Grandfather's hair. Except that his never fell out. At least I know I've earned my gray hairs. Having twins, running a bar, being married to a woman... all of this earns the gray.

From the Weaver side of the family, I got this male pattern baldness that leaves the back and sides nice and thick, while the hairline recedes. But this recession is not graceful, no. There's a thatch of hair right on top that poofs up an demands attention. Right behind that is a line of shiny, shiny scalp. To top it all off, I've got a wicked scar which is becoming more visible as time goes on. Drunken horseshoe game... 'nuff said.

I've always heard the oldtimers talk about their knees aching when it was going to rain, and I never knew whether to believe them or not, but now, I know. I blew up an ankle playing soccer in college and it is in a constant state of swelling. I can tell you two days before it's going to rain. The winter is worse, though.

For years I played volleyball four or five nights a week. Being a big guy, my knees took a pounding. I have no cartilage left. When I walk up stairs it sounds like they're covered in Rice Krispies. In the winter, they ache any time there's a front moving in. Doesn't matter if it's a warm front or a cold front, my knees ache.

My hands hurt and I don't know why. I could understand if I'd come up through the Golden Gloves, or worked the docks as a longshoreman, but this can't be anything but an old journalism injury from back in the days when cutting and pasting required an X-acto knife and hot wax. I know I'm stretching with it being a journalism injury, but it's really all I've got to explain why my hands hurt. Plus, it's kind of funny.
I've noticed too, that physical lamentations aren't the only thing I can associate with getting older. Never one to be secretive about how I feel (please read "Why I'm an Asshole" if you need a refresher), I now have zero tolerance for stupidity. There is no leeway here. If you're an idiot, I'll tell you that you're an idiot, why you're an idiot and exactly what you should do to remedy the situation. Usually that begins with getting the hell away from me.

There's no end to the myriad of ways people can piss me off these days. From the poker table ("Why did you play that? Ya moron!") to the highway (Slow drivers piss me off. Fast drivers piss me off.) to stupid changes (Don't get me started on red light cameras) to the political climate ("Nothing good ever came from a Republican. I only pull one lever when I vote.") I'm Archie Bunker without the bigotry.

I'm more interested in the Weather Channel these days. I notice I've been alive for more events depicted on the History Channel. I'm getting more disenchanted with TV. Do we really need to know about the real lives of housewives anywhere in the country? Especially bitchy, rich housewives?

I hate listening to the radio now because I usually can't stand new music and Van Halen is now on the oldies station. And not the cool station that plays older stuff... the oldies station that used to play songs from the 50s and 60s but changed format because their audience was diminishing. I did recently come across a station in KC that calls itself "Gen X Radio," which is great, but I get a lot of odd looks from kids when I'm blasting "Evenflow" and an ad for Flow Max immediately follows.

Yes, it sucks getting older. The little aches and pains are to be expected. I just wish my ankles wouldn't crack so loud when I get up to pee in the middle of the night. It's not so bad at 1:15 and 3:05, but at 4:30 I'm afraid it will wake the boys.