Kansas City Traffic Rant

That color goes great with your outfit and mangled bumper.
October 12, 2011 - I-435, Shawnee
There's a time and place for everything. 435 South during rush hour is neither the time, NOR THE PLACE, to be painting your nails. Not really what they had in mind when they taught Driver's Ed. I know your hands TECHNICALLY were at 10 and 2, but you can't really steer with the sides of your hands, moron. While we're at it, do you really think you were giving traffic you're full attention while applying new color? By the way, it did match your top nicely. So cute! Just make sure you hit a car that matches. You wouldn't want to clash. Bitch.

Honk. Honk honk. Honk. Honk honk. Honk, dammit.
September 8, 2011 - Davidson near I-35 on-ramp North of the River, Kansas City
As I got to the end of the curvy part of Davidson Road, traffic came to a halt. After a while, the center lane started to move. I still didn't know why traffic came to a dead ass stop, but I was in the lane that was moving, which never happens. As I got closer to the front, I could see a goose, standing in front of a silver blue Prius. It reminded me of the picture of the guy standing in front of the tank in Tienanmen Square. As I inched closer, I cut my wheels slightly to the right and gave the horn a tap. The goose turned toward the noise and I blasted him. He moved and I went on my way. You're welcome, Prius driver. It's a goose, not somebody's Grandma. Honk and we'll all get to work on time. Asshole.

Rules? Where we're going, we don't need rules.
August 25, 2011 - Armour/210 & Burlington in North Kansas City
Green light: Go. Yellow light: Caution. Red light: Stop. No light: STOP! It's in the damn handbook. If the light is out, you stop at the intersection, moron. Even Californians know this. So all you jackasses in North Kansas City driving down Burlington this morning who thought, "Hey, no light. Carte blanche, baby! I'm gonna go, because these people turning left from Armour won't be able to turn if we all keep moving!" can suck it. Assholes.

Probably afraid they'd melt
July 2, 2011 - I- 70 West near Turner Diagonal
It was raining as we drove out to Legends on Saturday. A Hyundai passed us on the left then hydroplaned in front of us. We watched as it spun & hit the barricade backwards. I moved to the shoulder as quickly as I could (after yelling at Ashley to let go of my arm) and went back to check on the people and to see if the car was drivable. Not a single person stopped, but several honked as they sped by. Don't worry, assholes... the family wasn't hurt and the car was drivable. Proceed with your shopping.

Hey All-State... I found the subject for your next 'Mayhem' spot
June 15, 2011 - Downtown Loop I-35 Morning Rush Hour
Dear Mr. Midlife Crisis, It's obvious you've found a new love interest: a classic 280Z. Restoration project, eh? The wheels cost more than my wife's car. How about investing in some of the lower-cost stuff first... like a FREAKIN' BRAKE LIGHT? While we're at it... Suddenly dropping your speed from 45 to 25 on a highway interchange is the best way in the world to get a CHEVY TRAILBLAZER ENEMA. Safety first, asshole.

The one car traffic jam
June 14, 2011 - Johnson and Nall in Mission
Dear leathery, over-tanned man in the Chevy Malibu, Speed limits are determined by gauging about how fast they expect a vehicle to safely travel. In case you didn't see the sign, it's 35 mph and a woman on a scooter just flipped you off when she passed you on the sidewalk. Two word: MASS TRANSIT. You'll get where you're going faster and so will everyone else. I'll chip in, asshole.

Is that Rowdy behind me?

May 24, 2011 - 56th St. in Mission
Look, asshole... you're tailgating me. I know you're behind me and I know the road is slick and you probably won't stop in time. I speed up to get a safe distance and you speed up... that's how we're gonna play this? This isn't 'Days of Thunder,' jackass. I'm turning into a parking lot here. Rubbin' ain't racin'. Rubbin' is drivin' a rental. Rubbin' is dealin' with insurance. Rubbin' is waitin' in the rain for a cop. Rubbin' is me gettin' pissed off. In short, rubbin' is an ass-kickin'.

I'm fairly certain PETA is behind this

April 29, 2011 - I-35 South near Armour Rd.
Traffic bound for downtown Kansas City slowed nearly to a crawl on I-35 South this morning. Two Kansas City cops were parked about 50 yards apart on the shoulder. As I passed, I noticed a dead raccoon between them. These dumb bastards assumed the coon had a police escort, I guess. They'll slow down for varmint roadkill, but they won't pull over for funeral processions. Assholes.

QT hotdogs are great, but I get them TO GO
April 28, 2011 - Antioch Road in Mission, KS
I stopped by QuikTrip during lunch. No place to park and five people in cars. I didn't think anything of it, but the same five assholes were still there when I came out. Reading; eating; talking on cell phone & eating; reading & eating; laptop & eating. Seriously? The best place you have to go for LUNCH on this BEAUTIFUL DAY is the QT parking lot? Hy-Vee has a much bigger parking lot, douchebags.

With Google Maps, GPS and Rand McNally, you still can't figure out where to go?
April 27, 2011 - I-35 North near downtown Kansas City
Ma'am, for God's sake, do you REALLY need to slow down at every freaking exit? The traffic reporter just said "The highway into downtown is jamming up, but I don't see any wrecks or stalled cars. I'll try to figure out why." He's talking about you, Magellen. Exits are numbered. If you had the attention span God gave a fruit fly, we'd be crossing the bridge now. Dumbass.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop
April 18, 2011 - I-635 North near I-29 South
How does some douchebag manage to lose a shoe on the side of the highway? Always one; never two. It seems trivial, really. But here's an observation I've made: Next time you're in a traffic snarl on the highway and it finally breaks loose, look on the side of the road. Many times, there's a fargin shoe on the side of the road. Which leads to my point: QUIT SLOWING DOWN TO LOOK AT SHOES ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD! You're screwing it up for everyone, asshole.

Stupid is as stupid does
April 16, 2011 - 56th St. and 169 in Mission, KS
The merge lane onto the highway right by where I work is wide enough for two cars because the southbound traffic on the frontage road has to make a hairpin turn to get on to 169 North. So it's slow going at rush hour. But not so slow you Wyandotte County assholes need to pass people on the left in the merge lane while they're waiting to get on the highway. I've seen it three times in two weeks, by two different cars. It's not like I'm being overly cautious; I pick a gap and hit it. But these two freaks are putting me and others in danger doing stupid shit like that.

Here's some advice, Andretti: Make sure your insurance is current, because I'm planting the next moron from "Da Dot" who can't wait 15 seconds for your turn. You shoot the gap... my gap... and I swear by all that is good and holy, I'll put you and your little red soon to be crumpled and waiting for a tow truck Ford Escort in the damn ditch. Courtesy counts, asshole.

Rain brings out a special kind of stupid
April 15, 2011 - I-635 South near the Missouri River Bridge
It's raining, I understand that you need to slow down a bit. But 45? On the highway? You're driving into DROPS OF WATER, idiot, not enemy fire. Why don't you just take it down to about 55 and see if you can handle the pace? If you can't, get off the damn highway. Oh, and TURN YOUR DAMN LIGHTS ON, asshole.

Sccrrraaaaaaape!
April 14, 2011 - Parking lot at work
If you pull up over the curb so far that it scrapes the valance on the underside of the bumper, it can probably chalked up to bad luck. It's something else entirely when you pull forward so far that when you back up, IT RIPS YOUR DAMN FAN OFF. Now, if you don't pick the sumbitch up, someone may run the damn thing over imbedding it in their tire. I just checked with an attorney friend, and he said, from a legal standpoint, it's called "negligence" and you can be liable for damage. I call it being an "ignorant prick."

Physics lesson
March 30, 2011 - I-35 South near Cambridge Circle
Drag created while driving is sufficient to overcome the weight of the helmets HANGING from a rack in the back of your truck. I never took physics, but I know the force that wind has because I, like every other guy in the country has spit out of an open car window only to have to wipe it out of his eyes. Here's a thought: PUT THE DAMN HELMETS IN ONE OF THE THREE DAMN BOXES in the truck bed. Or put them in the cab of the truck rather than turning them into yellow projectiles of doom aimed at rush hour drivers. Asshole.

You've got to protect your investment
March 25, 2011 - Parking Lot
Parking is at a premium where I work. When I rolled into the lot, there looked to be one space left on the front row of the satellite lot across the street. But what appeared to be a circa 2000 Ford Taurus was parked at an angle usually reserved for classic Thunderbirds or brand-new European luxury sedans. Only a Schwinn or crappy rollerskate Smart Car would be able to park next to this idiot. Reality check, pal:  You've got hail damage, rust, chipped windshield, torn back seat and you're sporting the donut wheel. One more door ding is not going to adversely affect the resale value of your 12-year-old piece of shit. PARK STRAIGHT, ASSHOLE!

Weather and traffic on the 9s, even if it's of no help to people with common sense 
March 16, 2011 - Kansas City Listening Audience
Moron newscaster delivering a traffic report in KC: "435 is slow south of the Missouri River bridge... a car hit a deer. It's been pulled to the side, but slow down and exercise caution." WHY? We already killed the one that was stupid enough to jump into traffic. And if you can't avoid a dead deer on the side of the road, go ahead and hit the sumbitch and get out of everyone's way. Moron.

Watch out for motorcyclists; especially if they're acting like idiots
March 4, 2011 - I-35 South and Parvin Rd.
Dear motorcyclist, If you REALLY want us to look out for you on the road, don't pass rush hour traffic on the shoulder. I know it's a wiin-win for you: You get to pass the slow movers AND the cuts in the road make your bright yellow rice rocket vibrate giving you a special feeling in your nether region, but they're really there to let people know "DON'T FRIGGIN' DRIVE ON THE SHOULDER!" Douchebag.


This lady must be a NASCAR fan
March 3, 2011 - 20th & I-35 North
Webster defines merge as "come together without abrupt change." It doesn't mean swerve halfway into my lane so I'll move over. And then again when I can't. Sorry, toots, but I'll plant your Mercedes in the wall before I risk sideswiping anyone. I'm doing 65 in a straight line on the highway. That's an abrupt change on my part. You're doing 25. Up a ramp. After turning. Should we discuss what the big upside down triangle sign means? Get out of my class. Bitch

You can ignore safe following distance when you've got those cat-like reflexes
February 4, 2011 - Downtown Loop
Dear Green Pickup Driving Moron with the Road Salt Encrusted License Plate, When I honk at the chucklehead who raced in to my lane while I'm driving at a safe following distance, it should be a clear indication for you not to do the same. It was an moronic double down. That's how pile-ups occur, jackwagon!

The day after the storm of the century
January 20, 2011 - I-635 North
I got nothing. Morons stayed off the road. Kansas City road crews did a great job on I-635, plowing two passable lanes What normally takes me 20 minutes took me 28. It just doesn't feel right. Even with a kitchen pass to "get in when you can," I got to work 30 minutes early. Shaping up to be a good day. (Insert smiley face emoticon here.)

Smart cars are stupid cars in snow
January 19, 2011 - I-35 North and Cambridge Circle
If you drive a Prius or Mini Cooper or worse yet, one of those golf carts called Smart Cars, and it's snowing outside, STAY YOUR DUMB ASS AT HOME. Three of you idiots were stuck on low grade hills on the highway in rush hour. Because of you, right-thinking people who drive normal sized, American-made cars took three hours to drive 12 miles to get home. Damn hippies...

Now I know why your dog sticks his head out the window
January 10, 2011 - I-35 South and 12th
Dear lady driving the green SUV with the paw print magnet that says "I kiss my dog on the lips," Because I'm driving a safe distance in the snow and ice does NOT give you enough space to wedge your dog mouth kissing ass between me and the vehicle in front of me. Next time, let your damn dog drive.

Yield signs are for other people
January 7, 2011 - I-35 South and 20th
Dear Lady in the blue SUV, Merging is a driving skill you need to work on. Don't worry about the YIELD sign. That's for people not on cell phones in rush hour traffic. You might want to take a look at the 'Mayhem' commercials when you get a chance. I can hear Dean Winters' voice now... "I'm a self-centered asshole. Your safety on the road is not important to me. Yield signs... those are for suckers."

(Put down the coffee, put out the cigarette) Hang up and drive!
December 22, 2010 - Davidson and I-35
Dear blond lady in the silverish BMW, You almost hit ME, not the other way around. You floated into MY lane on a curve and now you're honking at me? Perhaps you're too optimistic about what you can accomplish on your commute. You're smoking with your left hand, holding a phone to your ear with your left shoulder, drinking coffee... are you driving with your knee? Are you so busy in your yuppie day that you're reduced to multi-tasking while driving? By the way, just because you drive a friggin' BMW does NOT give you the right to ignore me flipping you off. Bitch.