Dealing with Heat and Humidity in the Old West

SCENE: A saloon in the Old West. The bartender wipes down a glass, as they constantly did in the Old West. In the background, several people of easily identifiable socioeconomic status play poker. Two ornery looking desperadoes enter.

BARTENDER: Hello, Humidity. How goes it, Heat? Haven't seen you guys in a while.

HUMIDITY: How 'bout a bottle? (Tosses some sort of coin indiscriminately on the bar, as desperadoes were known to do. Bottle service was apparently much cheaper in the Old West.)

HEAT: And sumpthin to eat. (Nothing specific, just whatever they can rustle up. Probably steak and beans. Potatoes if they were able to get them, but trade routes were unreliable back in the day.)

BARTENDER: Boys, the people round here are tired of ya. Best you boys be movin' on.

HUMIDITY: We don't have to take that talk from a bartender. (People in the service industry were not respected as toughs in the Old West.)

HEAT: You lookin' to get thumped?

BARTENDER: Boys, you know we look forward to seeing you all winter. But you boys have outstayed your welcome. Best you head south now. They likely would like to see ya.

HEAT: Let me thump him, Joe! (There's always at least one desperado in the Old West named Joe.)

HUMIDITY (OR APPARENTLY, JOE): I think we may just stay a while. And we'll be takin' that bottle, our dinner and whatever else we want while we're here!

Bartender reaches for a sawed off shotgun under the bar, but is beaten to the draw by "Joe" who puts an inordinately large knife under the bartender's throat. (Every desperado in the Old West carried an inordinately large knife.)

HEAT: Whatcha think 'bout that, Old Man? Joe's gonna make ya bleed now.

SOUND: Multiple firearms being cocked. Always identifiable is one pump action shotgun, which didn't exist in the Old West.

STORE OWNER: I don't think so. (Store owner is easily identifiable by his apron.)

HUMIDITY: You don't got the guts. (The emerging middle class of the Old West were widely known to be less than brave, and only stood up for themselves as part of a group.)

FARMER: Nah. Mebbe he ain't. But WE do. We don't like your kind stayin so long. You best be hittin the trail where they don't mind you. (After all, have you ever heard of a "cold and dusty trail?")

PIANO PLAYER: That's right. Y'all git. (Piano players were men of few words in the Old West, but eventually had one line.)

Even the dance hall girl/lady of the night (difficult to tell the difference in the Old West) has pulled a Derringer from her garter. (OK... now we know her status.)

HUMIDITY: A'ight. (People think "A'ight" is modern. But it originates in the Old West. Google it.) We'll leave. But we'll be back.

HEAT: Yeah, we'll be back.

BARTENDER: We'll be lookin' forward to that, Heat. We ain't sayin' you ain't welcome, we're just gettin a little tired of ya. We'll be seein' ya again. You'll be welcome after a spell.

The desperadoes walk out. The people of easily identifiable socioeconomic status uncock their weapons and return to their poker game. The bartender smiles and nods at the piano player, who starts playing.

And... SCENE.

Apparently some of my favorite movies are chick flicks

I'm one of those guys that can watch certain movies over and over again. The Quiet Man, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Animal House, Field of Dreams... just to name a few.  Friends and I call those movies "Saturday Afternoon Must Sees."  Those are the movies that you'll watch, no matter if they're on a movie channel or edited and on cable.  I'll still watch it, even if I have it on DVD.

The other day, my wife said something that surprised me, especially when I realized that it was true for myself.  She said all men have one or two chick flicks that they will watch every time they are on. When she pointed out that several of the movies that I watch are chick flicks, I was taken aback.

"Really?" I asked.  I make fun of her for watching the weepy chick flick crap when I come in from cleaning the garage, working in the yard, or some other manly task.  "Which of my Must See Movies are chick flicks?"

So then she started to list them and we had a little argument... errr... debate about why these movies are, indeed, chick flicks.  I think I proved my point on a couple of them, but mostly, I think I lost.

P.S. I Love You
This movie has been in heavy rotation on HBO. It stars Gerard Butler and Hilary Swank as a married couple. He dies of cancer, but manages to send her a series of letters to help her cope with his passing. I watch it because it has some great shots of Ireland, some good Irish music and a great supporting cast.

I lost because Holly spends a lot of time with her friends (Gina Gershon and Lisa Kudrow) and has a contentious but solid relationship with her mother. With the help of Gerry's letters, Holly also meets the man who could be her next great love, played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan, employing the worst Irish accent since Brad Pitt in "Snatch."  We also see Morgan's naked ass, which, my wife says, is enough to qualify this as a chick flick to the nth degree.


If Lucy Fell
This is an indie flick, written and directed by Eric Schaeffer, who also stars as an ultra hip artist name Joe.  He and his roommate and best friend, played by cute, pre-Sex & the City Sarah Jessica Parker (no longer cute) enter into a death pact.  They will jump off the Brooklyn Bridge if they don't have serious relationship potential by the time they reach 30.  Lucy meets flavor of the month artist Bwick (played by Ben Stiller when he could still act).  Joe finally works up the courage to ask his neighbor, Jane (played by the incredibly beautiful and underdressed, in at least one scene, Elle Macpherson.)

The soundtrack is great, the writing is sharp, Schaeffer and Stiller are hilarious. There even a scene about one of Lucy's dates having a bowel movement.  Macpherson is nearly naked and talking dirty to Joe. That's enough for me to be safe in liking this movie.

I lost because in the end, Joe and Lucy discover that they are in love and do not have to go through with the death pact. Any movie where best friends figure out they love each other is the basis for a chick flick, my wife said.

For Love of the Game
Another baseball movie for Kevin Costner, who plays aging pitcher Billy Chapel.  He's pitching in Yankee Stadium on the last day of a difficult season. He's just been informed that the Tigers have been sold, and that he'll be traded next year.  The manager wants some hotshot rookie to catch him, but Billy tells the manager he won't pitch unless Gus (played by John C. Reilly) is doing the catching.

Costner pitches a perfect game and tells the owner he's hanging up his spikes.  So there's a lot of baseball, dude loyalty and Yankee hating. That's enough to save this from the chick flick label, I think.

I lost because, and Ashley had to point this out, there's more time devoted to the developing love story between Billy and Jane, played by Kelly Preston. I guess I kind of blocked all that out, like those scenes are commercials during the game.  The clincher of her argument was that the final scene had Billy going to the airport to fly to London to be with Jane.  "That's the whole point of the movie," she said. "They just disguised the love story with baseball so guys would take their wives and girlfriends to see it."


Crap. At least I've still got Braveheart.