The Mother's Day Diatribe

I write, so I'm kind of anti-Hallmark most of the time. I think it has something to do with the fact that I keep applying for jobs there and I never get interviewed. I've heard it's a cult anyway.

So today is Mother's Day and I'm trying to write a poem for my Mom. There's really not a Hallmark card that I would say represents my Mom very well because she's not like the Moms described in the lacy, gauzy cards. I thought I'd write a few different styles because it would be funny.

Limerick
There once was a woman named Shirley

I'll stop there. There aren't many words that rhyme with Shirley. A limerick is supposed to be funny, and "burly" lends itself to being funny, but Mom has lost some weight over the past year, so it doesn't really fit. Besides, I don't really want to write anything that would make her mad. First of all, I don't want to embarrass her and secondly, I don't want to get my ass kicked.


Haiku
Drops of wisdom fall
We catch them in our bucket
Makes life easier 

Haiku are supposed to be non-sequitor. Check. They follow a certain syntax. 5-7-5... Check. But like limericks, as a rule haiku suck unless they're funny, and to be funny, they have be dirty. Again, I don't want to get my ass kicked.


Traditional verse 
Mom, you have always been there for us 
Although I didn't always like what you said
Sometimes she'd yell and scream and cuss
And get so mad her face would turn red

But it was out of love.


... And then I just sort of lost it because it was funny and I couldn't get back on track. The poem wasn't that good anyway. Trying to write a poem about my Mom is difficult at best. My mom is not a poetry inspiring person. My Mom isn't really the type to accept frilly praises easily. I think she gets embarrassed when people get all gushy about her. Because I don't think she really thinks she's doing anything out of the ordinary.


The Visual
Usually the visual is all wrong. Usually there's a picture of flowers against a perfectly lit window on an antique table. My Mom isn't like that. Don't get me wrong... she decorates her house, but the grandkids would tear up the flowers and antique tables aren't real sturdy and dependable. My Mom is though.

The perfect card would have to have a visual that says something you can count on in when times are difficult. She's a big Cardinals fan. I should look for a card with Hall of Fame relief pitcher Bruce Sutter on it. He'd come in in the 8th when the starter got in a jam; runners on first and third, one out. He'd get a double play ball to end the inning. Then he'd mow down three hitters in the 9th notching a win.

Not exactly common in Mother's Day card offerings.

The Gift
My Mom is hard to shop for. Really hard. She just says "Nothing" when you ask what she wants and when she needs something, she just goes out and gets it. She'd be happy with a day with her kids and grandkids. Unfortunately my family and I can't be in Wichita with her today.

Maybe I'm just making the whole process too difficult.


Just say it
My Mom is awesome. She kicked my ass when I needed it. She was there to loan me money, give advice, listen when I got my heart ripped out, and would drop everything to be here when I needed her help. I call her almost every day, even if it's just to talk about why LaRussa's screwing up by hitting the pitcher in the eight spot. Our relationship has seen some rocky times, but I'm glad to have my Mom's blood in me. She's funny, loyal, smart, stubborn, dependable and tough. I haven't always been the best son I could be, but I think she's been the best Mom I could hope for.

And for that, I am eternally grateful.